i dont even know where to begin

so many things overlap and branch out onto more complicated things. it is hard to find the root. maybe to keep it simple, ill start with me and you. work my way backwards. our conversation last night made me love you more. made me reflect on how much i do, and how it continues to grow. well actually i never thought it was possible but i love you more and more everyday. throughout the convo i did some self reflection on the side. then evaluations of you, me alone, you and me, him, and her. looking at the big picture. what everyone has and will eventually, if not already, gain out of this. you already know all of this. nevermind. it started with you&her and me&him. then you&i met somewhere in the middle but in the end they move forward and in their own separate ways. forming an "x". ironic. so if thats where it started ... then why is it so hard for me to say things i want to say? everything last night made me want to hold my tongue even more. maybe it only further more made me feel even more neutral than i already was. why cant i just stay bias? why do i always want to understand the other side? explore the other mind and piece everything together to realize how it all works out. why is it that whenever something complicated happens, you know the answer is something simple... yet so hard to realize? its so simple that it practically becomes invisible and overlooked. why is it that i got over it and you havent yet? why do i react the way i do to everything you say? why do you make me mad? why why why why why do i have some many more damn questions?

the fact that i am able to relate and understand makes it even harder. if i were an outsider to this whole situation, it would be easy to let it all go. it makes it harder for me because i am a part of it. because roles have switched around and i am not only an ex-girlfriend, bestfriend, ex-potential other woman, accquaintance, enemy, but his girlfriend. no position is easy to go through, but it has been so long since ive felt this way... that it is hard for me to adjust sometimes. realize my mistakes and not repeat history. look at the other end of the stick. listen. obvserve. react. how i act upon. anything and everything i do or say will be because i want to be a better person. i want to be everything and more than what i already am. it is my choice to make the right and better ones, but i know that i will always have you in mind. you're in mind because you're that IT thing. IT makes me want to embrace lifes unfairness. IT makes me count my blessings. IT makes me grow into a woman. IT makes me look forward not only to my future, but how IT makes me finally live my day by day. "carpe diem". IT makes me take chances. IT makes me positive. IT makes me want to give my potential a shot. IT is bringing out the best in me, and to give it all ive have to offer. YOU are IT, nyl aegar. and i am IN LOVE with all of it.

where did this all lead me to? all these harsh emotions bottled up inside me went away. "turn a negative into a positive". as i kept trying to spill everything out and how difficult it was to focus. zone into what i really wanted to get across even with all the chaos jumbled up in my mind ... it seems that i am only able to blurt out love. complaints and things that have to be dealt with are put up with because in the end ... i have love. haha okay wow! i am totally lost ... i need to take a shower ... DONEskiiiiiiiiiiii<3

i'm a bad girl =(

senior year sucks

time for cg

man i'm so pooped =(

 My besthoefriend visited me wed. night (10:30?-11:15?)

the slut smells though !!! oh and i made a new friend, the

guy he came down with. yeeehaw? it was fun, always duh!

THERE IS NO PRACTICE THIS WEEK FOR Underground! ):

jena & i were talking about how we are DOWN to go to practice

hmm about EVERY SINGLE DAY because we love UG son ...

A LOT and enjoy every single minute. hahah SO we're going to

the carwash. anyone else going? (: btw, her and i realized we're

pretty much the same. talking about cuties and shoesss!<3333

I am so sorry bestfriend! talaga! really! we will have fun when

we hang out next week and all. gah. i can't believe something

like that even happened. i'll keep your friend in my prayers ....

Btw, my bestfriend called me in the morning yesterday ... IT

WAS SO FCKNIN CUTE ! hah btw, he loves me. whuut?! ha

Congrats to my Sexy Thanh (Deedee Wang)! you miss senior

 class president! you better make mm next year the shit! & to

my cute lovely MEL SIE i love you! sorry about the results,

but you are still  amazing, Nothing less! And yes, we will go

to fountain valley & meet your friends & dance. oh btw, ahh

i'll try & visit you wang! ahah maybe at your house or if i am

really a good friend during spring break, your job. AHA !!! (:

i have a lot more other updates to fill, but it's cool though ....

mmm but yeah, this spring break is going to be filled with lots

of events. (: (: yay! including hanging out with two of my best

friends! (richard and nyl). go to a bbq, fountain valley, go to a

bonfire with david and co?, hang out with justin and co?. iuno

and for sure. A LOT of eating. MWUAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

OH & I GET TO GO BACK ON MYSPACE SUN ! WHUUT?! ha

UG son !

we played mind games after practice. CG is fun

to be with. (: Paul seroiusly fooled us all on april

fools day. ); and btw, i'm the stupidest one out of

practically everyone that played ... hah. but yeah

i didn't think i'd bond that fast with a couple of

members on the team and have so much fun (: (:

so i really hope we have practice this week bcz i

seriously miss it & love UG & watching CG.<3

new family. new loves. oh, and i seriously need

to go on myspace! i KNOW for a fact everyone

is bonding and crap, except me ); ); ); DANGG

I LOVED THE PIECE WE LEARNED THIS

PRACTICE ! JON B AND CHOREO MIXED

TOGETHER IS VERY SEXY. GAHHH<3333

btw, i hope my tita ruben, tita rosa, ate meehna, and terrence get the visa at the u.s. embassay today! i want them to come visit me, and if they get it, it's a done deal they will be able to come down for my debut. i miss them, i miss the philippines.

pictures from the end of the night: